DECK

We have a nice big deck off the dining room sliding glass door. It is soooo nice to be able to just step out the door and grill dinner or just sit on the swing and enjoy the great outdoors. There is still so much work left to do on it but we are talking about all the bells and whistles. We still have the railings to put up and a roof on it and finally one day it all screened in. It is amazing all the upgrades we have accomplished in the last year. LuLu is growing and getting cuter every day, the baby turkeys, guineas & chicks are growing really fast, one of the chicks got really sick and we were afraid that she would die but we separated her from the rest and took extra care of her and she improved so much in 24 hrs. that we were able to put her back with the others. She had hurt her wing somehow and wasn't getting around and had stopped eating. Now she is just one of the bunch.

I have always looked at milestones in my life but it actually pains me to say or think about, "this time last year." It is a year and a half of my life I would like to be able to wipe from my mind. The joy it would bring me to, mind you NOT go back in time, but to erase from my mind. It was the most hellicious time I believe in my entire life and trust me there have been some truly horrible things happen in my lifetime. So much pain, heartache and horrible realizations and losses.

You have no idea just how much I would pay for the erasure of those horrible horrible memories. It was a time that I was not able to deal with very well. Still I have to remember, and it still hurts my heart so badly, my mantra for this has been, "my heart is so broken" and it is still so very much. I hope that with each year that passes my heart will heal a little more. I know that, "this time last year" I have a lot less pain than then. It was also a time that I try very hard to dwell on the positives. My children, the love they have for me, Alex, without whom getting up each day would certainly be harder. The laughter and love and joy that he brings into my life each moment cannot be counted. I try very hard to think of what I do have and not what I have lost.

The one thing that I have lost that is the hardest is almost 30 years of trust that had been built up, trust that was so quickly and casually thrown away. I don't think I have another 30 years to rebuild the kind of trust that I had and so that is truly lost for this lifetime.

Well I'm going to take my cup of decafe out on my new deck and enjoy my life.

I will post new pictures soon of the deck and LuLu and the new chicks.

Current Mood: OPTIMISTIC