GROWING THINGS

Big sweet peppers. Going to find a recipe for stuffed peppers. YUM
Cabbage
The white Guinea who one day showed at the farm and has never left.
This is "baby" she is the one chicken we have who acts like a dog. She follows us everywhere. Whenever she hears us come outside she comes running to be near us. This one will die of old age here. She is just so different and loving.

Corn on the right and green beans on the left.
Lots and lots of tomatoes.
Frances and Alex checking out the squash. The new "babies" are behind them. The turkeys and guineas and hens.
No, not a watermelon, it is going to be our Halloween Pumpkin.
A view from the back garden.

STUFF

Just a small cache of what we get at least every other day.
Every time a big bunch of flowers get through blooming then somewhere else in the front yard another bunch blooms. To the right of the tree and on the left front of the big patch of monkey grass are giant white flowers. Have to still identify all the flowers we have.

NO FEAR

LIFE

HARVESTING

Food we are eating from our gardens.

Tomatoes, 2 different kinds.
Zucchinis, HUGE
Cucumbers, a gazillion
Blackberries, big juicy ones.
Sweet banana peppers
Potatoes, the small red kind.

It's a nice beginning.

THINGS TO REMEMBER

The best vacumn ever is my robot vacumn. I LOVE IT.
What to remember, Alex calls it the "dinosaur vacumn" don't know why, he just does.

ONLY PICS FROM NOW ON

I won't be writing in this anymore. What I thought would make me feel closer to others has only made me feel further away.

If there is anyone who reads this and wants to hear from me or about me you have my numbers and email. And for those of you who don't know me, well... what does it matter?

IF

If you have to ask for someone to write you, if you have to ask someone to call you, if you have to ask someone to show you love, is it love?

Even if it is, it sure does not feel like it.

08 JULY 1979

You would think that giving 29 years of your life to someone that they would at least remember the day.
You would think.

ODDS AND ENDS

Gladiolus blooming to the right of the tree. New flowers are springing up all over. Thanks to the lady who lived here about 7 yrs ago. Her labor is still paying off to this day.
Everyone loves the tire swing, but we have picked up a big truck tire that is much bigger and Drew is going to replace the smaller one with it.
What a big girl. She is such a sweet dog.
There were lots of odds and ends left from the lumber from building the deck and so I bought craft paint and now Alex's project is painting them all. When that is done I am going to get some white paint and put numbers and letters on them. Alex is not a "stacker" of blocks. He has always put them end to end, making a road. After he does that he will either walk the road over and over or take his cars and trucks and run them back and forth on them. He will make "hills" and ramps along the road also.

PLAY TIME

Alex loves to run around au natural. Sometimes it just happens, he will be outside playing and then he will get all wet from the hose or something and then little mr. nudist is running around naked.

Alex and Daddy filling the pool. He and his daddy had a water fight with the hose and both of them ended up drenched.

WORDS

Trying to put into words, feelings and thoughts. In hopes that the words will stop going around and around in my mind.

I have failed myself. I had dreams and hopes of what I wanted the last half of my life to be. I sacrificed a lot in the first half of my life in hopes of achieving them. But I failed. It is sad when the bar is so low in your marriage that a your husband thinks he is being a good husband just by being faithful. Like that is suppose to be a standard set for your marriage. That I should be happy and content because he isn't sleeping with someone else. I don't think that is the way that it is suppose to be. I think that is the very bare minimum in what you expect in a marriage. He does try and has so many good qualities. I just don't appreciate those qualities like I did for so many years, "before" Before, there was no one on the face of the earth that I trusted more, NO ONE, now that trust is gone and I have to make sure that I don't let myself get lulled into the delusion that there is anyone that I can trust with my life.

I had dreams of a house full of grandchildren and grown children. Running in and out, dropping by day or night, calling, being in touch. But it is not meant to be for me and it is about time I came to that realization and excepted it. I love my farm, my home, my family. I would and have at times given up everything for them and unfortunately I would do so again. I say unfortunately because I have always put myself last, everyone else first. Now at this time of my life, the last part, I have only what I can give myself.

I am thankful every single day for the blessings that I do have. I have so much more than many people. I am blessed. It is just such lonely blessings. For too long I felt that people thought that I was unreasonable in my hopes and dreams of my future. The future that involved my family close by. Why is that unreasonable? I look around me and everyone that cares about their family wants them close by. I grew up that way. We all lived all around a large city, but in the same city. Lots of aunts, uncles, cousins. Lots of disagreements, lots of arguing but also lots of love. Even at worst of times I remember with family members taking sides about something and so and so not talking to so and so, BUT, then a crisis would happen and it was all forgotten and everyone pitched in and helped and all disagreements and hurts were put aside and the family moved on. That is how I grew up. That is what I wanted for the last part of my life. As an only child, as an older adult I am alone. I would not wish being an only child on my worst enemy. Even if it is siblings you don't like, or don't speak to, you have a connection with someone like no other. Time, distance, nothing can take that away from you. Friends can come and go, Family is Forever. As I sit here on my pity pot, I am hoping that I can get all these words out and leave them. Not have them. I have had to change my inner workings and they are not changes I have liked and would never have chosen for myself, EVER, but I have to in order to survive this last part of my life. Sad really. Not just sad, but REALLY, REALLY sad. This is not who I am. Having to harden my heart in order to protect it is against all I believe but this is where I am now. Would I change any of my past, I highly doubt it. I guess my biggest fault is believing that your family, your loved ones should have complete and open access to your heart and I have found that if I want to keep my heart intact then I can't do that. That probably hurts me more than anything. Closing off part of my heart in order to survive this world.

I am so thankful for what I have.

FIREWORKS

It is strange how last year was such a sad year and everywhere everything conveyed that. This year there are wildflowers blooming all over the place, ornamental grass that didn't blossom last year and also, the 4th of July was quiet then.

THIS YEAR, OH MY, for the last hour directly behind us, beside us and in front of us plus, us have all been shooting off fireworks, rockets, and especially the kind that explode into the air and shoot off beautiful colors. Lots of noise and color and everyone all around hooting and hollering. It has been fun. It has been more than an hour and I have come in and decided to put these thoughts down while they were stilling going on. It is getting quieter outside but yet there is still the occasional boom, whistling and explosion sounds. Not much as far as firecrackers. Everyone including us mostly have the rockets, all different kinds that explode in mid-air.

FUN.
miss all of you.