WORDS

Trying to put into words, feelings and thoughts. In hopes that the words will stop going around and around in my mind.

I have failed myself. I had dreams and hopes of what I wanted the last half of my life to be. I sacrificed a lot in the first half of my life in hopes of achieving them. But I failed. It is sad when the bar is so low in your marriage that a your husband thinks he is being a good husband just by being faithful. Like that is suppose to be a standard set for your marriage. That I should be happy and content because he isn't sleeping with someone else. I don't think that is the way that it is suppose to be. I think that is the very bare minimum in what you expect in a marriage. He does try and has so many good qualities. I just don't appreciate those qualities like I did for so many years, "before" Before, there was no one on the face of the earth that I trusted more, NO ONE, now that trust is gone and I have to make sure that I don't let myself get lulled into the delusion that there is anyone that I can trust with my life.

I had dreams of a house full of grandchildren and grown children. Running in and out, dropping by day or night, calling, being in touch. But it is not meant to be for me and it is about time I came to that realization and excepted it. I love my farm, my home, my family. I would and have at times given up everything for them and unfortunately I would do so again. I say unfortunately because I have always put myself last, everyone else first. Now at this time of my life, the last part, I have only what I can give myself.

I am thankful every single day for the blessings that I do have. I have so much more than many people. I am blessed. It is just such lonely blessings. For too long I felt that people thought that I was unreasonable in my hopes and dreams of my future. The future that involved my family close by. Why is that unreasonable? I look around me and everyone that cares about their family wants them close by. I grew up that way. We all lived all around a large city, but in the same city. Lots of aunts, uncles, cousins. Lots of disagreements, lots of arguing but also lots of love. Even at worst of times I remember with family members taking sides about something and so and so not talking to so and so, BUT, then a crisis would happen and it was all forgotten and everyone pitched in and helped and all disagreements and hurts were put aside and the family moved on. That is how I grew up. That is what I wanted for the last part of my life. As an only child, as an older adult I am alone. I would not wish being an only child on my worst enemy. Even if it is siblings you don't like, or don't speak to, you have a connection with someone like no other. Time, distance, nothing can take that away from you. Friends can come and go, Family is Forever. As I sit here on my pity pot, I am hoping that I can get all these words out and leave them. Not have them. I have had to change my inner workings and they are not changes I have liked and would never have chosen for myself, EVER, but I have to in order to survive this last part of my life. Sad really. Not just sad, but REALLY, REALLY sad. This is not who I am. Having to harden my heart in order to protect it is against all I believe but this is where I am now. Would I change any of my past, I highly doubt it. I guess my biggest fault is believing that your family, your loved ones should have complete and open access to your heart and I have found that if I want to keep my heart intact then I can't do that. That probably hurts me more than anything. Closing off part of my heart in order to survive this world.

I am so thankful for what I have.