JUST THINGS

Lots of stuff going on. Finally got the pool up. It is nice to float around in the water. Also exercising in the water is so much better for me. We have decided that within the next 2 years we are going to get a 30 foot pool. The one we had in Texas was 24 foot so this one will be the last one we buy. We already have the spot picked out for it and we will be enclosing it and putting in a solar heater so that we can use it most all of the year. It is exciting to think about and plan for it.

Drew got a great job offer just 6 miles from home. Pay is really good, it is being a 911 dispatcher for our county. But today he gave his 2 week notice at his job and they now want for him to decide what it will take for him to stay on with them. So we will see how that works out. It is nice for him to have the options He deserves it, he is such a good man.

3 days ago a stray white guinea came to our place and hasn't left. The other guineas have excepted it and it was even allowed to sleep in the hen house with everyone else starting last night.

LuLu spends her days outside now and she is such a playful and happy pup. She has a great disposition.

Clay's step-dad died. I guess we really look at it as Clarene's husband. We never met or probably even spoke to him on the phone. But Clarene and he have been wonderful mates to each other this last part of their lives. They both have been sick for a year or more but still it must be hard for Clarene to not have him with her anymore. Our thoughts and prayers are with her a lot these past few days.

ANOTHER DAY ON THE FARM

Well the chicks have all been moved outside permanently. The turkeys are so big. We are hoping that we have a least one male and one female and we would keep them and let them have and raise chicks each year. The same with the guineas and the chickens. We would like to not have to hand raise anymore chicks. They are all growing really well.
Part of the deck. Still have to get all the individual slats put into the railing around it.

Not a good picture of LuLu but this is her in the kitchen. She spends each day outside now. It is really entertaining to watch her and the chickens and guineas getting to know each other. She loves it outside, exploring and learning all about the world around her.

WORK IN PROGRESS

I cannot begin to tell you how hard it was to load this picture without doing a touchup on it or when it was being taken to not stand up so as to not look bigger. I am learning to except myself for who I am and just getting on with life. I look at the picture and think, I should have taken my hair down, I would have looked better in one of my new outfits, different colors, etc.. but you know what?.....to hell with it, this is me, not at my finest, but it is me. I haven't lost more than the original 80pds. but have started working on it again. It is really hard now that I am on medication that actually puts weight on so to just stay the same is really hard but I have been accomplishing that and I now go out shopping EVERYWHERE and don't even stop to think about what I may look like to others. Anyway here is a picture of myself and Alex and we were having so much fun when this picture was taken. We were just being really silly.

I need to take more recent pictures because the deck is almost completed, the slats that go on the rails still need to be put on but we have the swing, picnic table and grill on it and it is great. Will take new pictures soon.

DECK

We have a nice big deck off the dining room sliding glass door. It is soooo nice to be able to just step out the door and grill dinner or just sit on the swing and enjoy the great outdoors. There is still so much work left to do on it but we are talking about all the bells and whistles. We still have the railings to put up and a roof on it and finally one day it all screened in. It is amazing all the upgrades we have accomplished in the last year. LuLu is growing and getting cuter every day, the baby turkeys, guineas & chicks are growing really fast, one of the chicks got really sick and we were afraid that she would die but we separated her from the rest and took extra care of her and she improved so much in 24 hrs. that we were able to put her back with the others. She had hurt her wing somehow and wasn't getting around and had stopped eating. Now she is just one of the bunch.

I have always looked at milestones in my life but it actually pains me to say or think about, "this time last year." It is a year and a half of my life I would like to be able to wipe from my mind. The joy it would bring me to, mind you NOT go back in time, but to erase from my mind. It was the most hellicious time I believe in my entire life and trust me there have been some truly horrible things happen in my lifetime. So much pain, heartache and horrible realizations and losses.

You have no idea just how much I would pay for the erasure of those horrible horrible memories. It was a time that I was not able to deal with very well. Still I have to remember, and it still hurts my heart so badly, my mantra for this has been, "my heart is so broken" and it is still so very much. I hope that with each year that passes my heart will heal a little more. I know that, "this time last year" I have a lot less pain than then. It was also a time that I try very hard to dwell on the positives. My children, the love they have for me, Alex, without whom getting up each day would certainly be harder. The laughter and love and joy that he brings into my life each moment cannot be counted. I try very hard to think of what I do have and not what I have lost.

The one thing that I have lost that is the hardest is almost 30 years of trust that had been built up, trust that was so quickly and casually thrown away. I don't think I have another 30 years to rebuild the kind of trust that I had and so that is truly lost for this lifetime.

Well I'm going to take my cup of decafe out on my new deck and enjoy my life.

I will post new pictures soon of the deck and LuLu and the new chicks.

Current Mood: OPTIMISTIC

VACUMN

Exciting new member added to the family. OK, OK, it's not a "living" thing but I LOVE IT. I have been saving and have finally have a ROOMBA iROBOT vacumn cleaner. WE ALL LOVE IT. It is so cool and it cleans sooooo good. It has been cleaning up all of the cat hair that was left behind that the old upright vacumn hasn't gotten up. It vacumns so well. I guess I can't say enough about how great it is to have it. No more cleaning up around Yaco's cage anymore, OK, more like, no more having a mess around Yaco's cage anymore.

LuLu is growing so fast. We take her outside every day now whenever we are out there. She's really Frances' dog but I call her Alex's puppy.

RAIN

I just came in from outside and had to share. Frances, Alex and myself went out to wait for Clay to get home from work. In the end, Clay and Frances came in because it started raining but since there was no lightening or thunder Alex and I stayed outside and went "swinging in the rain," hehe. It made me feel happy, young and silly. I know it has been a good 10 years since I played in the rain. We would swing really high, or as Alex calls it, "fast" and when we were up in the air we would yell really loud.

I still have a ways to go as far as my health but it is amazing the difference in a year and this time next year I expect to be even more active and alive than now. Hmm, wonder what silly thing I will do next.

ANOTHER WEEK GONE BY

No one is feeling very good right now. Sort of a mix of allergies and possible flu bug.

Wednesday was very productive though. All of us went to Springfield for the day. Alex had a Dr. appt. with an ear, nose and throat specialist. He has to go back in about 6 weeks, he may need tubes in his ears. Great hospital, and Dr. facilities there. I was impressed.

I went shopping at the Mall. I mean I went and bought something for myself. Am really excited to go back. In fact I would love to go and spend the entire day there. Taking my time and enjoying the visual effects of Mall Shopping. I order less and less online now. I go to Walmart, the grocery and Springfield and Bolivar pretty regularly now. Everyone here is really patient when they go with me. I have such a problem with my right knee and have been having horrible hot flashes thanks to menopause. But I so enjoyed myself this past Wednesday.

Went to Petland and got LuLu some chew toys, housebreaking puppy pads and a food dish. She is such a cutie. We have started her on moistened puppy chow and she doesn't take her milk in a bottle anymore, she is able to drink it out of her bowl. She is just over 4 weeks old now. Looks like she is going to be a big dog.

Also we went to the hatchery and picked up 5 guinea keets, 5 turkey chicks and 5 "easter egg" chicks. They are so tiny so they are under a heat lamp and are eating and drinking really well. They are going to be great additions to our established flock.

Got all the lumber for our back deck but Clay has been too ill to do anything but unload and cover it up. We are excited to get it up and finished. Frances started putting a sealant on Alex's play yard. She and Drew picked out a "Redwood Mahogany" finish and it will be really nice once it's finished. It will blend in with the trees really nice.

Been a really busy week. I feel such an emptiness in my heart. I wish it would go away. I don't imagine it ever will though.

MOURNING

After more than a year of waiting and hoping and reaching out I've realized that I have to come to grips with the reality of losing my daughter and her family. I have hoped and pretended that it will change, that she will once again be a part of my life but time has proven me wrong. I am so sad that it physically hurts. I have put off and put off mourning for this lose but I can do that no longer. I have to let myself mourn. It feels so horrible though. It seems the lose is too great.

Tomorrow we plan on going and getting all of the lumber for the back deck. It will be off the dining room door. We are also going to be picking up new baby chicks. 5 guineas, 5 turkeys, 5 hens.

I had been looking forward to doing this but now all I want to do is curl up and cry and the pain to just go away.