LETTING GO

I don't know if after I write this if I will post it and I don't know if I do if it will ever be read by anyone.I am seriously thinking of starting writing on this blog again. It is springtime and there is so much going on outside and things we are trying to improve on the farm. Alex is growing so fast becoming such a person on his own.

My heart has been so heavy the past few days. For whatever reason my youngest child has been on my mind constantly. I keep thinking that I should write her about my thoughts but there are a few reasons I haven't. One is that I don't want to say something that I would regret later, or say something that would be taken differently than how it was meant, maybe it is because I don't want to actually see the end of my relationship with her. It has been over a year ago that she seemed to decide that I wasn't a good enough mom for her to care about me anymore. That I didn't deserve to be a part of her life or her family's life.

I sit here with tears streaming down my face and an ache in my heart that is so close to unbearable. I have done really well, going on with my life without her and her family but about 4 days ago I started crying and haven't been able to stop. I cannot go on like this, with this heartache any longer. A few months ago I finally stopped reading her blog, it was pain that took me a couple of days to get over each time I read it and realized how much I was missing and not wanted to be a part of. In the last 14 months it appears that she has been in touch with people she never did before and people that she didn't like, but not me, her mom.

Huge milestones have come and gone for her and her family but not enough love to want to share them with me.

I won't know if she ever reads this, I know right now I am just trying to purge all these thoughts from my mind and hope that it will soothe my heart.

I know that the entire time that my children were growing up that I did my best as a mom, it may not have been what another mom would have done but I made sure my children were loved and taken care of, even beyond their childhood, there were sacrifices made and done with love and care. I just pray that my daughter never feels the hurt in her heart that I have in mine.

I cannot keep loving her so much, I have to stop. I can't wait another year and another year anymore. I have to take care of me now. I would never have believed in a million years that she could turn away from me so completely and not want me in her life in any way but that is what has happened. I miss her and her babies so much that I have to keep stopping writing so wipe the tears away.

I CANNOT believe this has happened. I CANNOT. BUT, it has. I have to let go, not love so much, not care so much, try to rationalize in my heart and mind that this is for the best. This is not who I am. I have always been a mother first, then wife, then myself. I have to accept this decision of hers but it is not what I want or wanted.

I have stretched out my hand to her so very many times this past year and got nothing back. I just can't do it anymore. I just can't.

I have craved all my life so badly to have a mom, a mom who loves me, who wants me and to be that mom for my daughter and not be good enough for her makes me sad beyond any words imaginable. I hurt so badly, my heart is broken so badly, because of things that have happened in the past year I have had to harden my heart so I am not only crying for my lose of her but my lose of part of who is me, the part that loves beyond anything imaginable. I DID NOT want to harden my heart in any way but in order to survive some things I had to do that, and now I find that I am going to have to harden another section of my heart again. I HATE IT. It is not who I want or ever wanted to be.

For so long in my life I have lived by making sure to not take for granted love, to make sure that if anything happens to someone you love that there are no regrets. That there wasn't something left that needed to be said or done. I did that once. With my grandmother whom I loved so very much, I spoke with her on the phone long distance and we talked for a bit and then we hung up and the second I hung the phone up I realized that I didn't say, "I love you" for whatever reason it didn't happen, I immediately thought, "I need to call her right back and say those words" but then I thought, "no, I'll talk to her later and make sure I say them then" I lived in Indiana and she lived in Kentucky, she died 4 days later, I never got the chance to say I love you, to her again. I've made sure that I have lived my life so that I never have to think or regret that I didn't pick up a phone or write a letter or say the words to someone about how special they are to me, how much I care about them, how important they are.